My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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