he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
