At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
