I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.