Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
