My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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