My boss' voice literally gives me gas
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
