I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
