You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
