I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
