I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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