Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
