How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
