I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
