The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
