Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
