If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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