Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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