So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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