Betty ford says i'm here all night
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
