Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
