I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask