i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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