y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
