drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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