My hand turned me down
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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