She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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