So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
