things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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