So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
its not stalking. its research.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
