I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
