eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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