I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
