I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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