I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
