i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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