I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
