So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
