Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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