tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
