My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
