I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
