Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
