you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
