I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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