Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
