For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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