What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
