I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
