Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
