Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
