I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
