dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
