A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dignity is for republicans.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
