the condom got lost in my hair
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
