I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
